Soliloquy
by Dreaditor
Summary: One-shot. Riku POV.


I have always been and always will be in the shadows.

It's the only place I can belong.

I've watched for so long as you keep reaching for her. You always come so close and then she slips away. I feel exhilarated and enraged at the same time. I want you to find your way back to her; to find your happiness with her. I want to be there to see you smile and laugh again. But I can't help they ugly jealousy that threatens to overflow when I remember it's her you've been chasing all this time.

It's not that she doesn't deserve peace as well. I would follow either of you to the ends of the universe and back if I had to. But there will never be enough time, enough room, enough feeling to go around. Even though it pangs me, I continue to watch you chase after her, staying a step behind, keeping myself in the dark. It would almost be wrong to ask for more. To invade the world that belongs to the two of you, so full of light. It would be a tragedy to upset that balance. I would never forgive myself, though I know both of you would welcome me with open arms.

I don't think you understand why I chase after her too. I do it for you. To bring her back for both of us, sometimes even in the hope that it will be enough to sway you. To bring you closer to me. It's evident to me by now, however, that you couldn't understand. I let you believe I was trying to keep her for myself. It's easier than sending my world crashing down on me. You'll never understand because I won't allow it. I'll keep the truth in the dark along with the rest of me. But I'll never give up that miniscule fragment of hope that you'll come to see the truth on your own.

I've been fighting every day since I first disappeared, fighting back to you, fighting my way home. I've made mistakes on the way, hundreds of them. Even when I let the darkness consume me entirely, some part of me knew what I had to do. I had to find you again. I had to find the light. I'm not afraid of the darkness in my heart anymore. I just long for a little light to pierce it, even if only for a moment. You're the reason I keep going.

Do you remember what it was like before she came to us?

I think about it every day, though I was too young then to understand the bond between you and I. All of our time spent in each others company. They're the best memories I have. The memories keep me grounded, they bring me back to you when I'm hopelessly lost. Even a memory so simple as drawing in the sand on the beach with you. Even after she came to the Islands, I treasure the memories. The times I teased and goaded you about your affection for her. It may have seemed competitive to you, but my motivations were far more selfish than that. Jealousy is what truly binds me to the darkness.

My heart aches. We've lost so much time to responsibility, to struggles beyond my comprehension. You've always had a place, known what you were meant to do. You can save us all; everyone knows this. I have always believed it. I've never known my real place in all this. Each step I take forward is quickly followed by a huge backward shove from the obstacles before me and I can't seem to overcome them with the ease you do. Somehow you surpass all of the expectations and keep fighting, never once so much as peering into the shadows that follow me everywhere.

I find myself musing at times about how life would have been if she'd never become part of our world. We could still be sitting on the beach, talking about leaving the Islands, day dreaming about how different our lives might be from the peace and happiness we used to know. But now, we've been thrust into this world, broad, confusing, unsettling. It's taken me a long time to find my footing, but I'll keep following you. Right to the end, whenever it may come.

But when the end comes, then what? Will we go home? Will everything be the same as it was before? Or is it going to fall apart? I have faith that you will be fine. That she will be fine. But I don't know if I'll really find my way again. I'm afraid I've done too much wrong. How could I possibly act like nothing has happened?

I'm certain you'll forgive me for everything I've done. Our connection is too strong. And I'll want to forgive myself, but I don't think I can. I've wronged you to many times to simply let it go and carry on, content. Not that I was really content before.

As much as I longed to escape, I wish now that I could go back and change everything.

More than anything, I just want you by my side again. Even if it means I'm really by your side and hers. Anything to be with you. I could never be entirely satisfied knowing you would choose her over me. But I could understand it, and I can settle for watching from the shadows. Knowing it's your destiny would be enough for me. 


End file.
